“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
― Brené Brown,
Perfectionism is one of those tricky ideas that sounds like a good thing… but isn’t. Like flying cars. Drivers have enough trouble following the road rules in two dimensions – can you imagine if there was up and down as well!
Anyway, I digress.
Perfectionism is a character trait that involves setting incredibly high standards for performance – even flawlessness, alongside being extremely critical of oneself when those (unattainable) standards are not reached. At its worst, perfectionists can be prone to depression, anxiety and hopelessness.
But perfectionism – like many character traits – exists on a continuum. It is possible to have elements of perfectionism without experiencing these extreme lows when standards aren’t met. In its milder forms, perfectionism can result in failing to be satisfied when good results are achieved, never celebrating ‘wins’, and being incredibly demanding of colleagues and direct reports, by expecting them to hold and achieve the same standards you do.
I don’t think that I’m a perfectionist, but I do have some perfectionist tendencies. I have very high expectations of what I can accomplish (but not always at the individual goal or task level) and I expect a lot from those around me. In some respects, my expectations of others stem from believing that everyone is capable of greatness – and being frustrated that many ‘don’t bother’ – my interpretation of them settling for good enough.
If you recognise these tendencies in yourself, what can you do about it?
Here are four pragmatic tips for managing perfectionism.
A regular meditation practice will lead to increased mindfulness. Mindfulness enables greater perspective, self-respect and compassion. I use an App called Headspace which includes a range of programmes that help with perfectionism – particularly one called “Acceptance”.
If you haven’t tried meditation before, don’t worry. The app makes it really easy, and includes short animated videos to help you understand what you will be doing.
The thing to remember about meditation (as a perfectionist) is that there is no ‘right’ way to do it. And it takes time. That’s why they call it practise!
Embrace the Pareto Principle
Also known as the 80/20 rule. The idea being that 80% of your results come from 20% of your efforts.
As a perfectionist though, you aren’t going to accept me telling you that you should only make 20% of the effort. So instead turn this one to something you can accept: 80% is better than most people ever accomplish. Shoot for 80% of your target, and you’ll still be seen as a superstar! And remember, for most things in life, 100% is non-existent. It’s a fool’s game.
Redefine your Goals as ‘Guides’
Words are powerful things. That is why Goal-setting is espoused as so important – if you articulate clearly what you want to accomplish (and more importantly, why) you are far more likely to put in the effort. But perfectionists have a different problem. For them, Goals become minimums, not targets.
Instead, use the word ‘guide’.
The purpose of a clearly defined goal is to give you something to aim for, so that you can make decisions and take action in the now that will keep you on track. But if the Goal becomes immutable and immovable – it not only guides your actions today, but stifles the enjoyment you might gain from redirecting your efforts into something slightly different – or even completely unrelated.
Worse, if the goal is immutable and you don’t achieve it, then you see yourself as a failure, rather than just having failed to accomplish that goal.
Celebrate your Successes. Often
Make a habit of writing down three to five accomplishments everyday. And I mean every day.
Before you go to sleep each night, in a journal, a diary, or a notebook, write down the things that you achieved that day that you’re proud of. It might be:
- Remaining patient and compassionate when a team-mate dropped the ball
- Making time to play with your kids
- Enjoying a nice hot coffee without freaking out about what you weren’t getting done
- Achieving 80% of what you set out to do today
The purpose of this exercise is to help you see that you are achieving a lot. Every day. And that is enough.
You are enough.
And nobody is perfect.
Recommended Reading (Amazon Associate Links)
In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough,” and to go to bed at night thinking, “Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.”